More than anything else in the world, I hate birds. Specifically I hate them being too close to me. More specifically, I can't abide sharing a room with them. And not poking around my ankles while I'm dining al fresco. Uuuughhhhh.

I appreciate that it is utterly irrational, that they are smaller than me and more afraid of me than I ever could be of them but the prospect of me and a bird being in a shared space brings a rush of 'flight' adrenaline that the four horsemen of the apocalypse couldn't inspire.

So I'm on the couch this morning working away when I hear some flap, flap flapping in the chimney.

In a time that would leave Marian Jones for dust I'm out the door. Husband is away at the moment so I'm on the phone to the inlaws to send someone - anyone on a white steed to rescue me. With great trepidation I tiptoe to the back of the house to see has anything emerged from the chimney and recoil at the sight of a blackbird bouncing from window to window. (I shudder just to think of it!)

I'm also in state of considerable undress (because, in husband's absence I slept on the couch where I was working until disturbed) and realise I have to go back in to put on some clothes. With even greater trepidation and despite closed doors which I'm assuming blackbirds can't wriggle through by osmosis, I run upstairs and imagine that I can hear him flapping away - even though he's at the other end of the house and on a different floor.

So the guy who works on the farm with us arrives, with that amused look that a man has when he just can't quite figure out what all the fuss is about but is feeling moderately heroic at the same time. He takes off the rubber boots and wades into the battle zone.

I stand twenty yards away from the front door. Just in case. Even though TJ will probably let the winged thing out the back window - why be rational or logical at a moment like this.

In seconds birdy is where he belongs and I'm putting off going indoors for just a bit longer so we observe the steel caps - perfectly intact - on the chimney pots and my mind is racing with thoughts of all the birds that are smaller than a blackbird that might squeeze through and join me while I'm snoozing on the couch or doing some work.

And now that I've gotten that out of my system and received plenty of sympathy from Husband over the phone, I can get back to work. The balance of nature has been restored - they're out there and I'm in here where I can admire them from afar, as I do. *shudder*

You'd have hated to live in my old house. Swallows, wrens and robins were regular guests to the house, because half the doors were left open in good weather. It always fell to muggins here to catch the little mites and release them into the wild. For some reason opening a window just never worked.

We haven't had one in a while. They always seem to end up in my brother's room when they do decide to drop in. Which is funny as he reacts much like Kate does!

Not your idea of a day out then Kate ?

Pay-dirt lads, I found my hate list last night. Here's what I hate:
1. People who stand in my way generally.
2. People who stand in doorways.
3. People who saunter along a narrow path slowing down everyone behind them and probably smoking as well.
4. Badly designed paths.
5. People who take themselves too seriously.
6. Peope who wear stupid clothes, espacially flashy tights.
7. People who sit on the stairs.
8. Crows.
9. Michael Noonan.
10. Snazzy hoodies.
11. Radio DJs who interrupt the end of a song being played. Rick O'Shea in particular, he'll be the first against the wall.
12. Ads for eye or stomach surgery, especially in the morning.
13. Reckless umbrella users.
14. Neck restrictions such as scarves and polo necks.
15. Men wearing those jackets with furry hoods.
16. The phrases 'global village' and 'greater Dublin area'.
17. Capitalist uses of socialist symbolism, like t-shirts with Che Guevera on them. Are they sold for a profit? Is it an ironic thing?
18. PDs.
19. Tall lanky bastards who get in my way.
20. Bad attempts at satire, in particular Kevin Myers' woeful attempts and Newton's Optic in the IT.
21. Frenchified pronounciation; instead of saying 'sekshual ishues' Ann Doyle pronounces it 'sex-ual isssues'.
22. The sound of texting.
23. Damn automatic doors.
24. People who base their arguments on the assumption that their opponents are cretinous itiots. You know, when the object isn't to win your opponents over with reasoned argument but clobber your facts into them because theirs are false by default.
25. The AIB and others whom assault my senses with gaudy advertising, orange in their case. Vanish is the other main contender, utilisung PINK.
26. Fintan O'Toole.
27. The letter 'y'. Especially when used instead of an 'i'. Smyth, Bryan etc. The worst case has to be the totally redundant y in Shayne Ward. He won that contest on the basis of having an unneccessary y in his name; it should be called The Y factor.
28. Mary Robinson. A totally irrational hate, but the woman seems to be anti-Irish by default.
29. The letter k and possibly j.
30. Gay pride when the aim is pride for pride's sake. When it's not the many fine achievements of gay people being celebrated but being LOUD and annoying for its own sake.
31. Advertisments that say 'from only...' as if we can't work out that they really mean 'at least...'.
32. Those annoying YFG types that think that being smarmy and conrontational somehow makes people respect them. It doesn't O'Deasy, you look like a child. You too Varadkar.

That's all I have for the moment.

Have you ever considered write-down comedy?

That is the best laugh I've had in ages.

I love the way one leads on - stream-of-consciousness-wise - to the next. Eye surgery and umbrellas. Crows- Michael Noonan -hoodies. I love it. Inspired.

905, I'm sorry for your troubles but that has put me in a great mood - letters from the alphabet? Mad.

What are flashy tights, by the way?

I'll be smiling all day.

Kate P wrote:

Have you ever considered write-down comedy?

That is the best laugh I've had in ages.

I love the way one leads on - stream-of-consciousness-wise - to the next. Eye surgery and umbrellas. Crows- Michael Noonan -hoodies. I love it. Inspired.

905, I'm sorry for your troubles but that has put me in a great mood - letters from the alphabet? Mad.

What are flashy tights, by the way?

I'll be smiling all day.

I'm at college and I have to put up with all the worst fashion has to offer. Gaudy, colourful tights are the worst, especially when they have cartoon characters on them. Leg warmers are a close second.

You should think yourself lucky you weren't around in the 80s then, when we wore glass tights (really shiny like shiny long bicycle shorts) in royal blue or fluorescent pink with leg warmers.

I didn't sadly - my mother refused to buy me the tights but I envied Deirdre B who had multiple pairs.

Leg warmers then had the excuse of being a response to FAME! I knitted a pair that were pink, purple and white when I was in fourth class on square needles while Sr Monica looked on in horror.

Square needles... now they sound interesting. I had to get the girlfriend some circular needles a couple of weeks ago, but never square needles. What do they do for you?

It's four short needles that you knit with in a square. Used for knitting socks - and leg warmers. Can't remember how it's done now.

I hate... people who talk incessantly in libraries.

I love dragon lady librarians who shut them up.

I hate librarians who talk incessantly. It happens.

I hate christopher hitchens, he's just to smug an annoying and too ready to call others idiots. I mean, he doesn't even know what Q is. It's clear he is merely a disciple or flea of Prof Dawkins.

Do the rational atheists remind anyone else a bit of the Houyhnhnms in Gullivers travels?

Damnit, I hate the consensus on this site. I largely agree with Riadach on the atheists, we need to poach some hot-blooded rationalists from p.ie and have a proper brouhaha. Otherwise I'll have to resort to arguing with Riadach over the finer points of ogam-stone origins.

905 wrote:

Damnit, I hate the consensus on this site. I largely agree with Riadach on the atheists, we need to poach some hot-blooded rationalists from p.ie and have a proper brouhaha. Otherwise I'll have to resort to arguing with Riadach over the finer points of ogam-stone origins.

P.ie... rational...?

Poaching is not on the charter, gentlemen. There's room for everyone.

905 wrote:

I hate librarians who talk incessantly. It happens.

I love the KitKat ad that has the librarians making loads of noise on their coffee break.

I'm told it has little basis in reality, though.

TheBear wrote:

905 wrote:

I hate librarians who talk incessantly. It happens.

I love the KitKat ad that has the librarians making loads of noise on their coffee break.

I'm told it has little basis in reality, though.

No, it's the other way around. They chat incessantly in my local library.

905 wrote:

Damnit, I hate the consensus on this site. I largely agree with Riadach on the atheists, we need to poach some hot-blooded rationalists from p.ie and have a proper brouhaha. Otherwise I'll have to resort to arguing with Riadach over the finer points of ogam-stone origins.

Cold-blooded rationalists no use to you then? I'm an atheist.

I hate you then (didn't we duel before?)! Cold-blooded types don't get into a tizzy like Dawkins, providing endless mirth for those of us heavanbound. What good is that?

905 wrote:

I hate you then (didn't we duel before?)! Cold-blooded types don't get into a tizzy like Dawkins, providing endless mirth for those of us heavanbound. What good is that?

Well, I could provoke you, if you like. I only need to change gears to "hardline atheist" mode and I can be downright nasty about religion.

ibis wrote:

905 wrote:

I hate you then (didn't we duel before?)! Cold-blooded types don't get into a tizzy like Dawkins, providing endless mirth for those of us heavanbound. What good is that?

Well, I could provoke you, if you like. I only need to change gears to "hardline atheist" mode and I can be downright nasty about religion.

So long as you are downright wrong about religion too, that's sort of the key point.

I'm not afraid of you.

I hate... when you are asked to ring someone back at 9am... you do and you don't get through until 9:30... at which point they tell you they will ring you back in 30 mins... so you decide to wait and not go into the library as you won't be able to take the call... then you sit waiting until 11:00... eventually decide to ring back... still don't exactly get what you wanted and a whole productive morning of study is wasted.

*sigh*

I hate not knowing what to wear on a day like today when rain is threatened. It's sunny here but I'll be elsewhere later (working and looking professional) then going for long walk on a not-long-enough- pier and then going for a meal with friends. All of which is fine ordinarily but I won't have my car nearby all day (so heels may be a problem) and I don't know what the weather is doing.

Grrr. Decisions, decisions....