We wish to inform customers...

Guest

Dear Customer,

As you may be aware, the British Government now controls the following banks:

Royal Bank of Scotland

Lloyds-TSB

Halifax

Bank of Scotland

Now that Labour's 1983 manifesto pledge has been enacted, a number of important changes will start to take place in the coming weeks. To ensure a smooth transition, managers from the NHS and Post Office will take key positions in these banks. You will be pleased to learn that:

1. Banking will become free - no bank charges

2. You can access your money at any time, with 30 days notice

3. To save expense all staff training in civility and politeness will cease

4. There are too many bank branches - these will restricted to one per 500,000 people

5. To ensure some branches are not overwhelmed, citizens will be assigned a branch

6. You can only change a branch when you move house

7. To prevent online bank fraud, online access to your account will end

8. If you purchase banking services outside of the free state service, you will have your state account cancelled

9. Mortgages will be issued according to need - we are currently designing the form and expect to have it available by December 2011

10. Your personal data is not important to us as we tend to lose it from time to time

I hope that your understanding of these changes will make your integration into the state system smooth, as we don't want you to be a bother to the civil servants.

Yours truly,

Sir Humphrey Appleby, GCB, KBE , MVO, MA (Oxon)

State Bank Commissar

Whitehall SW1

I like Daniel Hannan

That said, JohnT's comments steal the show...

Quote :: The new HeyYrTheBOS Bank customer call service:

Press 1 if you wish to discuss our dolphin-friendly investment policies and our ongoing boycott of the Japanese and Russian marine industries.

Press 2 if you wish to talk to one of our gender awareness compliance officers to complain about being harassed and/or patronised by an authoritarian middle-aged white male pretending to be a 'bank manager'. This cannot be one of ours.

Press 3 if you feel you have been discriminated against simply because of your life-style choices, such as having no money or refusing to work for a living.

Press 4 if you are innumerate, and would like to have our terms of business explained in coloured shapes on a video, or if you need them interpreting in Tellagu or Somali.

Press 5 if you do not wish us to make our future-friendly 3% climate change deduction from the interest on your account.

As you will have noticed from the almost impenetrably thick Glaswegian accent of our recorded announcement, we are a Scottish bank. Do you want to make something of it, Jimmy? Do you? Well do you? Then Press 5 and step outside.

Guest

cookiemonster wrote:

Dear Customer,

As you may be aware, the British Government now controls the following banks:

Royal Bank of Scotland

Lloyds-TSB

Halifax

Bank of Scotland

Now that Labour's 1983 manifesto pledge has been enacted, a number of important changes will start to take place in the coming weeks. To ensure a smooth transition, managers from the NHS and Post Office will take key positions in these banks. You will be pleased to learn that:

1. Banking will become free - no bank charges

2. You can access your money at any time, with 30 days notice

3. To save expense all staff training in civility and politeness will cease

4. There are too many bank branches - these will restricted to one per 500,000 people

5. To ensure some branches are not overwhelmed, citizens will be assigned a branch

6. You can only change a branch when you move house

7. To prevent online bank fraud, online access to your account will end

8. If you purchase banking services outside of the free state service, you will have your state account cancelled

9. Mortgages will be issued according to need - we are currently designing the form and expect to have it available by December 2011

10. Your personal data is not important to us as we tend to lose it from time to time

I hope that your understanding of these changes will make your integration into the state system smooth, as we don't want you to be a bother to the civil servants.

Yours truly,

Sir Humphrey Appleby, GCB, KBE , MVO, MA (Oxon)

State Bank Commissar

Whitehall SW1

I like Daniel Hannan

That said, JohnT's comments steal the show...

Quote :: The new HeyYrTheBOS Bank customer call service:

Press 1 if you wish to discuss our dolphin-friendly investment policies and our ongoing boycott of the Japanese and Russian marine industries.

Press 2 if you wish to talk to one of our gender awareness compliance officers to complain about being harassed and/or patronised by an authoritarian middle-aged white male pretending to be a 'bank manager'. This cannot be one of ours.

Press 3 if you feel you have been discriminated against simply because of your life-style choices, such as having no money or refusing to work for a living.

Press 4 if you are innumerate, and would like to have our terms of business explained in coloured shapes on a video, or if you need them interpreting in Tellagu or Somali.

Press 5 if you do not wish us to make our future-friendly 3% climate change deduction from the interest on your account.

As you will have noticed from the almost impenetrably thick Glaswegian accent of our recorded announcement, we are a Scottish bank. Do you want to make something of it, Jimmy? Do you? Well do you? Then Press 5 and step outside.

Better give them back to the private sector then, is it?

Guest

cactus flower wrote:

cookiemonster wrote:

Dear Customer,

As you may be aware, the British Government now controls the following banks:

Royal Bank of Scotland

Lloyds-TSB

Halifax

Bank of Scotland

Now that Labour's 1983 manifesto pledge has been enacted, a number of important changes will start to take place in the coming weeks. To ensure a smooth transition, managers from the NHS and Post Office will take key positions in these banks. You will be pleased to learn that:

1. Banking will become free - no bank charges

2. You can access your money at any time, with 30 days notice

3. To save expense all staff training in civility and politeness will cease

4. There are too many bank branches - these will restricted to one per 500,000 people

5. To ensure some branches are not overwhelmed, citizens will be assigned a branch

6. You can only change a branch when you move house

7. To prevent online bank fraud, online access to your account will end

8. If you purchase banking services outside of the free state service, you will have your state account cancelled

9. Mortgages will be issued according to need - we are currently designing the form and expect to have it available by December 2011

10. Your personal data is not important to us as we tend to lose it from time to time

I hope that your understanding of these changes will make your integration into the state system smooth, as we don't want you to be a bother to the civil servants.

Yours truly,

Sir Humphrey Appleby, GCB, KBE , MVO, MA (Oxon)

State Bank Commissar

Whitehall SW1

I like Daniel Hannan

That said, JohnT's comments steal the show...

Quote :: The new HeyYrTheBOS Bank customer call service:

Press 1 if you wish to discuss our dolphin-friendly investment policies and our ongoing boycott of the Japanese and Russian marine industries.

Press 2 if you wish to talk to one of our gender awareness compliance officers to complain about being harassed and/or patronised by an authoritarian middle-aged white male pretending to be a 'bank manager'. This cannot be one of ours.

Press 3 if you feel you have been discriminated against simply because of your life-style choices, such as having no money or refusing to work for a living.

Press 4 if you are innumerate, and would like to have our terms of business explained in coloured shapes on a video, or if you need them interpreting in Tellagu or Somali.

Press 5 if you do not wish us to make our future-friendly 3% climate change deduction from the interest on your account.

As you will have noticed from the almost impenetrably thick Glaswegian accent of our recorded announcement, we are a Scottish bank. Do you want to make something of it, Jimmy? Do you? Well do you? Then Press 5 and step outside.

*jabs at key 5*

Prickly this evening, aren't we?

Guest

This thread has been modded. Some posts are now in the holding pen - contact a mod if you have any queries about comments.

Press 5.... Wink

Or Press 6 and we'll get back to you Smile

Guest

Kate P wrote:: This thread has been modded. Some posts are now in the holding pen - contact a mod if you have any queries about comments.

Press 5....

Or Press 6 and we'll get back to you

Jeez, just when it was getting interesting.

We had one poster who was desperately trying to prove FG were worth saving and another poster who was just desperate, for once we had some real feeling, some real emotions, now all we have is ………….a charter.
For shame.

Guest

That post is in a thread of it's own here.

So you can provide some real feelings, real emotions of your own in response, tonys.

Guest

Kate P wrote:: That post is in a thread of it's own here.

So you can provide some real feelings, real emotions of your own in response, tonys.

My natural reserve doesn’t allow, but I do enjoy watching.

Guest

tonys wrote:

Kate P wrote:: That post is in a thread of it's own here.

So you can provide some real feelings, real emotions of your own in response, tonys.

My natural reserve doesn’t allow, but I do enjoy watching.

Well, tonys, didn't you write that: cometh the hour, cometh the man (paraphrased)? Do you think this occured, or did FF waffle a bit? Would FG (I presume that this is how the thread got a wee bit het up) have produced a different one?

Guest

rockyracoon wrote:

tonys wrote:

Kate P wrote:: That post is in a thread of it's own here.

So you can provide some real feelings, real emotions of your own in response, tonys.

My natural reserve doesn’t allow, but I do enjoy watching.

Well, tonys, didn't you write that: cometh the hour, cometh the man (paraphrased)? Do you think this occured, or did FF waffle a bit? Would FG (I presume that this is how the thread got a wee bit het up) have produced a different one?

On the face of it they waffled a bit, could have been a lot tougher at the top end, but I’ll wait to get all the details before jumping up & down.
Would FG have produced a different budget? We’ll probably never know, they’re unlikely to ever get the chance on their own and with Labour it’s always going to be a bit of a mish mash.

Guest

cookiemonster wrote:

cactus flower wrote:

cookiemonster wrote:

Dear Customer,

As you may be aware, the British Government now controls the following banks:

Royal Bank of Scotland

Lloyds-TSB

Halifax

Bank of Scotland

Now that Labour's 1983 manifesto pledge has been enacted, a number of important changes will start to take place in the coming weeks. To ensure a smooth transition, managers from the NHS and Post Office will take key positions in these banks. You will be pleased to learn that:

1. Banking will become free - no bank charges

2. You can access your money at any time, with 30 days notice

3. To save expense all staff training in civility and politeness will cease

4. There are too many bank branches - these will restricted to one per 500,000 people

5. To ensure some branches are not overwhelmed, citizens will be assigned a branch

6. You can only change a branch when you move house

7. To prevent online bank fraud, online access to your account will end

8. If you purchase banking services outside of the free state service, you will have your state account cancelled

9. Mortgages will be issued according to need - we are currently designing the form and expect to have it available by December 2011

10. Your personal data is not important to us as we tend to lose it from time to time

I hope that your understanding of these changes will make your integration into the state system smooth, as we don't want you to be a bother to the civil servants.

Yours truly,

Sir Humphrey Appleby, GCB, KBE , MVO, MA (Oxon)

State Bank Commissar

Whitehall SW1

I like Daniel Hannan

That said, JohnT's comments steal the show...

Quote :: The new HeyYrTheBOS Bank customer call service:

Press 1 if you wish to discuss our dolphin-friendly investment policies and our ongoing boycott of the Japanese and Russian marine industries.

Press 2 if you wish to talk to one of our gender awareness compliance officers to complain about being harassed and/or patronised by an authoritarian middle-aged white male pretending to be a 'bank manager'. This cannot be one of ours.

Press 3 if you feel you have been discriminated against simply because of your life-style choices, such as having no money or refusing to work for a living.

Press 4 if you are innumerate, and would like to have our terms of business explained in coloured shapes on a video, or if you need them interpreting in Tellagu or Somali.

Press 5 if you do not wish us to make our future-friendly 3% climate change deduction from the interest on your account.

As you will have noticed from the almost impenetrably thick Glaswegian accent of our recorded announcement, we are a Scottish bank. Do you want to make something of it, Jimmy? Do you? Well do you? Then Press 5 and step outside.

*jabs at key 5*

Prickly this evening, aren't we?

It just seems like a funny time to be taking the P out of publicly run services. The private sector is in catastrophic failure at the moment. They didn't do too badly in the UK with nationalised postal services, rail, telephone, water and so on for forty years or so. Most of this stuff has gone haywire since it was privatised.

On point 2 -30 days to access your money - this might be a better option than the situation of thousands of US private bank customers who have lost their bank deposits.

My sense of humour is all run out in relation to the banks, just at the moment. Mad