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 Who owns that half a rood of rock? - a no-man's land; Who owns that Whale ?!??

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PostSubject: Who owns that half a rood of rock? - a no-man's land; Who owns that Whale ?!??   Mon Jan 19, 2009 11:16 am

A whale got beached down in West Cork last week and sadly died and now the locals of two villages are squabbling over the bones of the body. What the hell are we like at all ? We often say that if you died your cats would eat you but I say watch your neighbour while you're alive ! You wouldn't know whether the hoors would steal your eyeballs out of your head when you're not looking.

Quote :
Villagers find bone to pick over whale remains

By Eoin English
YOU’VE heard of pistols at dawn — now there’s a stand-off at low tide.

A row has flared between two west Cork villages over the remains of the giant Courtmacsherry whale.

The 20-metre 50-tonne adult female fin whale became stranded on a sandbank in Courtmacsherry Harbour last Thursday morning.

Despite heroic efforts by the Irish Whale and Dolphin Group (IWDG) and dozens of locals, the animal later died.

Now a row has flared after a group of people from Courtmacsherry tried to remove the creature’s jaw bones on Saturday.

They want to put the massive bones on display in the village in memory of the creature.

But villagers from nearby Kilbrittain blocked the operation, staking a claim on the remains.

The stand-off continued last night as efforts to broker a deal between both sides got under way.

Examiner


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PostSubject: Re: Who owns that half a rood of rock? - a no-man's land; Who owns that Whale ?!??   Mon Jan 19, 2009 5:37 pm

And these people are allowed to vote ?
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PostSubject: Re: Who owns that half a rood of rock? - a no-man's land; Who owns that Whale ?!??   Tue Jan 20, 2009 4:39 am

It's something a short film could be made out of. Jaysus we have to start making more fillums in this country - some are mighty altogether. Up to now we haven't had great time for Art with all the money that was out there to be made though.... unfortunately.

I'll begin writing the screenplay here for this episode now though .. just after this short 41 second interlude...



It was a normal January Sunday morning like any other January Sunday morning except for the small difference in that today Stephen Sullivan wasn't going to Clon for ten o'clock mass then pick up his copy of the News of the World, go for a carvery in Union Hall with the wife, watch a taped hurling match or two or some Premiership on Sky afterwards while having a few cans - Oh no, today himself and a few others had plans to de-jawbone a whale instead.

Little did he know ...


(Google map of area)
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PostSubject: Re: Who owns that half a rood of rock? - a no-man's land; Who owns that Whale ?!??   Tue Jan 20, 2009 2:04 pm

Excellent Audi. Its a page turner.
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PostSubject: Re: Who owns that half a rood of rock? - a no-man's land; Who owns that Whale ?!??   Tue Jan 20, 2009 2:09 pm

EvotingMachine0197 wrote:
Excellent Audi. Its a page turner.

For the next two paragraphs, please donate at least 70c to the following Laser Card account which is due to be hit with a €30 levy in February.
5884 8848 0058 7463 3227

tnx
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PostSubject: Re: Who owns that half a rood of rock? - a no-man's land; Who owns that Whale ?!??   Tue Jan 20, 2009 2:37 pm

Quote :
It was a normal January Sunday morning like any other January Sunday morning except for the small difference in that today Stephen Sullivan wasn't going to Clon for ten o'clock mass then pick up his copy of the News of the World, go for a carvery in Union Hall with the wife, watch a taped hurling match or two or some Premiership on Sky afterwards while having a few cans - Oh no, today himself and a few others had plans to de-jawbone a whale instead.

Little did he know ...

...that not too far away, Mrs Nuala Moriarty was sharpening her cleaver.

It was a fine cleaver, the result of her first foray into internet shopping, purchased with a credit card voucher purchased by Mrs Kelly - with cash - in the post office in Clon where they were confident they wouldn't be known and couldn't be traced.

Mrs Nuala Moriarty ran her finger along the knife edge and nodded in satisfaction as the blood crawled slowly over the paper-cut that now stretched the length of her index finger.

'First Catch Your Hare' was the name of the course she'd eagerly attended during the summer at the nearby cookery school. She'd been an ardent admirer of Mrs Beeton since she could remember and had long lamented the loss to society of life skills like jointing a rabbit. From the moment it was advertised she'd put by a few pounds each week from her pension to pay for it and explained to the organisers in a neatly handwritten letter her enthusiasm and her financial embarrassment and would they mind terribly holding the place for her though she couldn't, as requested, send the booking fee immediately as demand for places would no doubt exceed supply.

It seemed to her as if every breath she had ever taken was in preparation for this moment. Her hour had come and she was in a state of serene readiness.

Reaching behind the breadbin she took out her chef's knife roll and unfurled it slowly, counting each piece as it glinted against the morning sun. A last polish with hot breath and a clean teatowel and the set was complete, the cleaver snug, finally in its rightful place.

With a wink to the Sacred Heart above the kitchen door, she put the canvas roll under her arm and went into the back hall where she put on her rubber boots. It was a ten minute walk to the beach, where...
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PostSubject: Re: Who owns that half a rood of rock? - a no-man's land; Who owns that Whale ?!??   Tue Jan 20, 2009 3:46 pm

Quote :
With a wink to the Sacred Heart above the kitchen door, she put the canvas roll under her arm and went into the back hall where she put on her rubber boots. It was a ten minute walk to the beach, where...

...Gertie Maguire, despite it being a Sunday morning, had gotten the local handyman out of his bed to seal up the windows and doors to keep out the putrid smell of decomposing whale.

She'd heard that in Iceland fishermen buried rotting sharkmeat and then served it as a delicacy, but look where that got them? Bankrupted the lot of them. You couldn't have luck for eating rotten meat.

But that was the least of her problems as she looked out the kitchen window to the blubbery mass spoiling her view of the ocean. She would not cry. No, indeed. She would not, even while she swore she could see the fumes rising off it, even now.

Her shoulders sagged in disappointment and helplessness, though she found the energy to glare at young Tadhg Carey with his mouth full of weatherstripping, tearing off the plastic backing and pressing the foamy sealer into the window cracks far more slowly than she would have liked.

She'd taken legal advice. Well, she'd spoken to her nephew who was training to be a solicitor. What a waste of time that had been! She resolved to tell her sister she'd wasted her money sending him to Dublin to be educated; there's no way the lecturers at UCC would have filled him with the rubbish he'd spouted to her.

She could still hardly believe he'd told her that exploding the mammal could leave her open to legal action if the bits of whale shrapnel happened to cause someone an injury. It had happened before he had said, but she just couldn't credit it. Ridiculous, she thought. The world was gone to the dogs when you couldn't blow up a dead fish on your own stretch of beach.

At the same time he warned her that there was legislation come down from Europe that meant she could find herself in the District Court for having a decomposing carcase on her land where dogs could get at it. She'd end up with her name in the paper. What did Europe know about rotting whales, she asked Councillor Jimmy McCarthy when he had called to collect her sub.

Breathless at finding himself dragged across the threshold of Mrs Maguire's house for the first time in 27 years of party membership and with the door slammed firmly behind him, he found himself momentarily at a loss for words.

"Lookit. Alls I can say is if the people had voted for Lisbon like we told them, none of this would be happening. That shagger Charlie McCreevy's surely behind this and he'd be out on his ear and on the flat of his back on the plains of Kildare if we'd voted Yes. You can be sure he never thought of you and your predicament when he was swanning around in Brussels, making laws that the plain people of Ireland wouldn't stand for."

"Well I don't see Charlie McCreevy here with a shovel and a barrow to get rid of this mess and you can take your Lisbon Tre-a-ty and your party membership with you if that's all the comfort you can give me in this hour of need, Jimmy McCarthy."

She grabbed the cheque she'd just written out of his hand and pushed him unceremoniously onto the front step, ready to wither him with another comment when out of the corner of her eye, making their way down the towpath she saw one, two, three...

Mother of mercy they were all there! Every last member of the 43 Kilbritain ICA Brigade meeting the wind, hair and headscarves streaming behind them, bulky packages under their arms and determination on their faces.

She wailed like an animal in pain and swept the councillor out with the front door. Her fingers shook as she dialled the number.

"Hello. Is that...?"
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PostSubject: Re: Who owns that half a rood of rock? - a no-man's land; Who owns that Whale ?!??   Tue Jan 20, 2009 4:22 pm

Stephen was NOT looking forward to dissecting this whale. He had a rotten hangover from the night before in Inishannon and all he really wanted now was to get a few in again to ease the pain. First he needed some salt though.

He rooted around in the presses of the kitchen and came up with some elements of his hangover cure - Chipsticks®, Club O®ange and ®ennies. He couldn't stand these things normally but they did something for him when he was suffering as he was now. He got some of it into him but kept one eye on the toilet next to the utility room all the same.



It was one of the last good Celtic Tiger 21st birthday parties he would be at, he thought. Back in the boom heydays, people had massive piss-ups not just for 21sts but also for 18ths, Christenings, housewarmings, births, someone getting a new dog and there would be several for weddings including at least three holidays, one of which comprised of men-groups invading and prowling around Amsterdam where the locals never seemed happy, he thought, unlike us when similar groups of foreigners would invade Kinsale.

"What the hell was I talking about with that youngfella all night ???", he remembered, embarrassed at himself. Normally it was GAA GAA GAA all night but there he was talking all night with one Scottish fella about Atari video games. How the hell are these youngfellas into that old crap, he thought, when there are computers now you can buy for €799 which would win the second world war for you and don't have wood on them ? But talk about Atari all night he did with the 21 year-old, tatooed, rollie-smoking, Scottish young lad. And it wasn't just Atari he was on about it was all sorts of Conspiracy theories and other shite about the "global warming world order", or something thought Stephen, trying to remember. These younglads have too much brains, he thought, if the Scots had hurley sticks then maybe they wouldn't be so full of shite. They're all talk, he concluded. (He wasn't jealous that the wife was paying too much attention to the accent, Oh no)

The Chipsticks were starting to kick in anyway and Stephen readied himself to get his wellingtons® to go out to the shed for his tools. He was not looking forward to the smell of whalemeat, nor was he looking forward to sharpening the teeth of that twenty-inch chainsaw.



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PostSubject: Re: Who owns that half a rood of rock? - a no-man's land; Who owns that Whale ?!??   Tue Jan 20, 2009 4:42 pm

Meanwhile, somewhere on the R600, the black 7 series BMW belted along towards Clonakilty. The chances of a Garda speed check on a Sunday morning on this road were remote, if none at all.

The occupant was extremely agitated, least of all because of the state of his bank shares portfolio. He knew that if he got to the Internet Cafe in Clon, this could be corrected.

Providing Gertie Maguire didn't catch wind of what he was about to do ....
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PostSubject: Re: Who owns that half a rood of rock? - a no-man's land; Who owns that Whale ?!??   Tue Jan 20, 2009 5:18 pm

Garda Aeneas P McNulty knew the Superintendent wouldn't be happy. He'd filled out all the paperwork and notfied him of the speed check and now he'd have to cancel it and do it some other Sunday morning. Rita would have a fit if she had to take the boys to training again on her lie-in morning.

As he wheeled around to pick up reinforcements in town, he shrugged his shoulders as the black BMW whizzed past and slowed slightly before speeding up again.

He hadn't missed much. Fellas who drove cars like that always managed to have their summonses go missing before they could even be issued, he thought.
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PostSubject: Re: Who owns that half a rood of rock? - a no-man's land; Who owns that Whale ?!??   Wed Jan 21, 2009 1:06 am

Little did Nuala Moriarty or Gertie Maguire know that the dark, handsome driver of the BMW was making his way back into their lives. Little did either know the ties of history and fate that bound them together. Gertie often wished she'd had the courage to tell Stephen..but he was so happy with his fish, his lemonade(TM) and what have you (TM) - there didn't seem to be any point. Now, with this enormous whale right out there on the beach, he was in his element. Though he'd overdone the celebrations the night before, for sure.
The knock was loud and insistent. Aeneas McNulty blushed when Gertie opened the door. He'd never really gotten over their teenage romance. The whiff of whale was mighty as they took each other in...
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PostSubject: Re: Who owns that half a rood of rock? - a no-man's land; Who owns that Whale ?!??   Wed Jan 21, 2009 1:16 am

Out at sea, four miles off the south Cork coast, furled in milk-of-magnesia-coloured mist, the life-long spouse of a dead whale whistled in the winter morning darkness and began to move her immense length slowly through the water...
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PostSubject: Re: Who owns that half a rood of rock? - a no-man's land; Who owns that Whale ?!??   Wed Jan 21, 2009 1:59 am

It was then that Stephen felt a vibration near his loins , followed by the unmistakable sound of a Nokia phone receiving a text message. The whole telephonic episode frightened the bejaysus out of Stephen. He felt momentarily sick.

'Feck them Chipsticks® anyhow' he thought to himself.

'Next time I'll stick with the Hunky Dory's®. Less effective but much safer on the aul' tummy.'

He whipped the phone out of his pocket and looked at it in puzzlement. It was metallic pink, and had a charm attached.

Stephen examined the charm, with as much focus as his hangover would allow him. It looked like a tiny silver whale.

He had never seen the phone before, but he read the text message anyway. He then immediately wished he hadn't ....
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PostSubject: Re: Who owns that half a rood of rock? - a no-man's land; Who owns that Whale ?!??   Wed Jan 21, 2009 2:27 am

Stephen nearly vomited into the corner of his own shed and onto the nice new round rat-tail file he was using to sharpen those teeth. O God the sweats were out now big style... He shouldn't be using dangerous machinery in this sick bodily state he thought at the same time noticing, incongruously, that they were running low on coal.

Pink goddam phone he thought .. balls.

Upstairs Maeve Sullivan rolled over to the warm bit where Stephen had been. On clutching his pillow her nose smelled a familar smell on the place where her husband's head had made a little dent.

Oh no, no, no, she whispered tearfully as a 20" chainsaw roared madly below in the shed ...
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PostSubject: Re: Who owns that half a rood of rock? - a no-man's land; Who owns that Whale ?!??   Wed Jan 21, 2009 4:09 am

Jimmy McCarthy felt like he had been knocked down by a cargo train.
Gertie Maguire and her father before her had been paying the sub for
God knows how long. Donkeys years probably.

All of a sudden he was out on his ear. Jaysus, he was livid.

' I'll not have that wagon feck me out of it like that on the Sabath day', he thought to himself.

It was then he realised that he hadn't a clue what Sabath Day meant anyway. So he rang the local party chairperson.

'That Maguire bitch just effed me out of it, refused the sub and hopped
on the phone. I think she was ringing a mobile .... There's something
happening ...big time.'

Johnny popped the phone back in his suit pocket, a suit he was very
proud of, because his father before him would never have afforded a
suit like his. The suit was his brand. One brand. One suit.

And then one noise. A horrible noise that sounded like a chainsaw.

'Wha in the name ah god is the racket boy' , Johnny asked himself.

He should have asked, who is the asshole with the gun pointing at the
back of his head. But it would have been in vain anyway. One second
later he was dead.

Gertie put the phone down. Fucking answering machines....
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PostSubject: Re: Who owns that half a rood of rock? - a no-man's land; Who owns that Whale ?!??   Wed Jan 21, 2009 5:27 am

Kou Suzuki Ahern raised a calloused hand to his brow to shade, and looked towards the far off shore. He sighed. Three fucking days... For
three fucking days I relentlessly chased that big fucking fish. Then those lazy bog bastards claimed it for themselves.
He sighed once more before sitting again and propelled the little whaling curragh towards the rest of the whales.

He'd not let his father down. It had been his dying wish. Cork would some day be the centre of the Ahern fledgling whaling business. Biffo
san would surely organise some investment during the piss up in Japan. For his part, Kou had sworn to himself that he'd procure a whale and show that it could be done on the cheap.

Kou spotted a likely target that had separated from the rest of the whales. A small one, probably the calf of the one he'd chased earlier, the one the boggers had stolen from him.

He let the curragh slide of its own volition towards the surfacing whale. He picked up his father's ancient hurley, gripping it tightly whilst picturing the pride he knew that his father would feel, if he'd lived to see this moment. Kou knew that he'd probably not be able to kill the whale with the hurley. It'd tenderise the fucker all the same. He'd lash it to the side of the boat then and process it, offshore this time.

He raised the hurley far behind his head. And with a war cry he brought it down...
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PostSubject: Re: Who owns that half a rood of rock? - a no-man's land; Who owns that Whale ?!??   Wed Jan 21, 2009 5:48 am

Guys, you are making a couple of basic assumptions based (if you don't mind me saying so) on city snobbery. The people of west cork are amung the most sophisticated culchies in the country and have long ago given up the biscut and mustard consuming habits of their rural cousins elsewhere in the country.

The dynamic of the argument is the desire of two small villages to get one over the other. Court wanted it so Kilbrittan does to. If one first didn't make a move the council would probably have had to tow it out to sea or try and interest UCC in the rest of it. Its also January which is a dull month where everryone is generally skint. Fighting a rival village for the jaw bone of a whale is the perfect distraction.

I'll have a think about this and post later.
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PostSubject: Re: Who owns that half a rood of rock? - a no-man's land; Who owns that Whale ?!??   Wed Jan 21, 2009 11:03 am

Mod: All resemblance in this thread to any person living in dead is purely co-incidental. cf Neutral
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PostSubject: Re: Who owns that half a rood of rock? - a no-man's land; Who owns that Whale ?!??   Wed Jan 21, 2009 12:08 pm

shutuplaura wrote:
Guys, you are making a couple of basic assumptions based (if you don't mind me saying so) on city snobbery. The people of west cork are amung the most sophisticated culchies in the country and have long ago given up the biscut and mustard consuming habits of their rural cousins elsewhere in the country.

The dynamic of the argument is the desire of two small villages to get one over the other. Court wanted it so Kilbrittan does to. If one first didn't make a move the council would probably have had to tow it out to sea or try and interest UCC in the rest of it. Its also January which is a dull month where everryone is generally skint. Fighting a rival village for the jaw bone of a whale is the perfect distraction.

I'll have a think about this and post later.


I like that you've one paragraph saying everything has changed and in the following one, you suggest nothing has changed.

Do you know this poem, which inspired Audi's title.

EPIC by PATRICK KAVANAGH, 1938
I have lived in important places, times
When great events were decided : who owned
That half a rood of rock, a no-man's land
Surrounded by our pitchfork-armed claims.
I heard the Duffys shouting "Damn your soul"
And old McCabe stripped to the waist, seen
Step the plot defying blue cast-steel -
"Here is the march along these iron stones."
That was the year of the Munich bother. Which
Was most important ? I inclined
To lose my faith in Ballyrush and Gortin
Till Homer's ghost came whispering to my mind.
He said : I made the Iliad from such
A local row. Gods make their own importance.
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PostSubject: Re: Who owns that half a rood of rock? - a no-man's land; Who owns that Whale ?!??   Thu Jan 22, 2009 2:54 am

Can we have two whale story threads? Shocked
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PostSubject: Re: Who owns that half a rood of rock? - a no-man's land; Who owns that Whale ?!??   Thu Jan 22, 2009 3:14 am

Aragon wrote:
Can we have two whale story threads? Shocked

Will I split the other one up there off into it's own thread or have you something else in mind ?

I was just about to write tonight's thrilling installment.
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PostSubject: Re: Who owns that half a rood of rock? - a no-man's land; Who owns that Whale ?!??   Thu Jan 22, 2009 3:57 am

Auditor #9 wrote:
Aragon wrote:
Can we have two whale story threads? Shocked

Will I split the other one up there off into it's own thread or have you something else in mind ?

I was just about to write tonight's thrilling installment.

Shutuplaura has started a whole 'nother version of the sceal. Our story was licking along and although he makes valid literary criticism viz caricature and what have you, we'd be hard pushed to tell the two versions on the same thread without massive confusion. Am I right or am I right?
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PostSubject: Re: Who owns that half a rood of rock? - a no-man's land; Who owns that Whale ?!??   Thu Jan 22, 2009 4:03 am

Ok Laura's version of the story is gone now from this thread, sorry Laura, but it was a very different type of story which I hope you'll continue.

Meanwhile, what happens next in Clon ?
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PostSubject: Re: Who owns that half a rood of rock? - a no-man's land; Who owns that Whale ?!??   Thu Jan 22, 2009 11:43 am

It will be interesting to see whether the two stories end up in the same place, despite taking different routes.

What happens next in Clon? Why a conspiracy of course..!
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PostSubject: Re: Who owns that half a rood of rock? - a no-man's land; Who owns that Whale ?!??   Thu Jan 22, 2009 11:44 am

Better ask shutuplaura
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