Apparently someone put this up on e-bay
Due to me and the Fianna Fail government having now managed to bring the entire Irish economy to a state of almost irreversible ruination, myself and the Tanaiste Mary Coughlan in communion with our Taoiseach, Brian Cowen, have now decided to take the next logical step towards economic stability and offer the title deeds of Paddy's Green Shamrock Shore (also known as Ireland or Eire), to the highest EBAY bidder, in order to help pay for things like our soaring social welfare bill, our out of control public sector pay bill, our unvouched system of government expenses, our 4K an hour government jets, our 100K a pop junkets and much more importantly, we are really really seriously stuck right now for additional emergency pallets of cash to forklift into our completely bamboozled banking system.
We are looking for a genuine buyer for Ireland so that we can immediately convert this valuable gas-rich asset into desparately needed cash, to immediately assist and support the poor unfortunate banking executives that are currently being forced out of their jobs in Ireland as we speak.
Ideally, we are extremely hopeful that we will find a buyer who is open to buying the asset from us, and then leasing this valuable asset back to us by way of a "leaseback agreement", (we have extremely generous tax breaks available for such an arrangement that we developed earlier in the decade, that allows you to offset/write off all of your income tax against your new investment). Income Tax is for losers, so don't be a loser, avail of our "buy and leaseback offer", and you pay no tax!!! Let our 2 million PAYE gullies pay your tax liability for you!
The people of Ireland are a docile, chilled out and relaxed sort of folk, no matter what you say or do to them, they will never ever rare up and wreck the place or damage your new country should you be the successful bidder, so despite what you might read in the paper, or hear on the news about Gardai protesting on the streets and the Army doing the same, or completely exagerated rumours of 120,000 people running out of patience and taking to the streets of the capital last Saturday, we feel fully confident that your asset will be as safe as houses! As you may be aware, houses are not actually very safe at the moment! We are the only government guaranteeing that houses are safe from the banks for at least 12 months! Should you be the successful bidder, you can up taxes, introduce levies, bring back a property tax, cut back health budgets, get rid of special needs teachers, have 4 budgets a year, it doesn't matter what you want to try out with your new country, it'll all be just grand over here!
We are looking for a discrete buyer, as we do not intend to tell the Irish folk that we have actually sold the country, (if we find a successful bidder), as this may cause the matter to be unnecessarily tied up in our legal system or in one of our tribunals until the year 12,009, so confidentality is assured as well as expected. If the media do get wind that you might have bought the country, don't worry, we will be able to claim that legally we are not allowed to release your identify, so again, it'll be grand!
We have also recently had to partially secure this asset we are offering for sale, against other liabilities to do with our banks, but don't let this worry you! You can very easily unravel your new asset once you are the new owner and sell the 6 counties in the north of the country to cover these liabilities by way of an "equity release", as we can assure you that they are also part of this country*.
Our Financial Regulator is standing by to carry out due diligence on your behalf should you require this service prior to bidding, or indeed to answer any questions you may have with regard to this transaction. Our Central Bank is also standing by to lend you up to 7 Billion Euro to bid for the country if you should require finance, but you will need to arrange for nine other investors in addition to yourself, for the transaction to successfully go through, as our complex Central Bank rules require a minimum of ten people to draw down funds of this amount, once the same funds that are being used to buy the country, are originating from the country that you will be investing the funds back into, (don't worry about this too much, our Financial Regulator is also in a position to sort out all this small detail on your behalf).
As we feel that we may be imminently approaching the day where we cannot raise any more money on financial markets by issuing bonds, because the markets have a completely irrational fear at the moment that we are way out of our depth here in Ireland and we don't know how to run a country properly, we are now looking at other financing options that are available to us, for the purposes of generating cash, so we are now inviting genuine and discreet EBAY bidders only, to assist us with the most important task to hand, which is to start getting our banking executives out of the poverty trap that many now find themselves in...
Again, please think of the poor unfortunate banking executives in Ireland who have recently been forced to retire with as little as a lump sum of a few million Euro and they are the lucky ones! The real unfortunates are the ones who are still in jobs but who are only getting paid between 1 and 2 million a year, these are the people who desparately need your help right now and are relying on your bid...
This is a once off opportunity to acquire a charming and deceptively spacious tax shelter all of your own, while also reducing your tax liability to zero at the same time, which will be paid by our 2 million plus PAYE gullies, sure where else would you be going!
We accept payment by PalPal or preferably cash payment in large brown envelopes.
Brian Lenihan TD,
Dept. for Making a Balls of the Economy,